6 depressing movie remakes of the past

Submitted by Caroline Preece

on Fri, 08/12/2011 - 09:48

Having taken stock of the upcoming rehashes we're dreading, now we can dicuss some of the most pointless remakes of the past...

After bringing you a cheerful collection of the most depressing Hollywood remakes of the future yesterday, today we're going to drive the point home with a list of the trend's biggest failures. The sad thing is, remakes often make lots of lots of money, but they remain universally unloved, often seen as taking something away from the masterpieces they're inspired by. There are many great remakes and reimaginings that add something to the original story, but most simply replace their heart in favour of star-power and Hollywood sheen. Let's have a look:

Alfie (2004)

Jude Law replaces Michael Caine in this uneven and pointless remake of a 60s classic. Beside the fact that both actors have annoying cockney accents and aren’t bad with the ladies, there’s absolutely


no connection between the two, and the film presents as a watered-down version for a modern day, postfeminist audience. Alfie is reprehended further for his actions, but gone is the brutality of his situation he finds himself in come the end credits.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

One of the most derided remakes in Hollywood history looks even worse in light of the not-bad-at-all Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and remains a benchmark in how not to approach one of these ‘re-imaginings’. Changing the plot entirely, and emerging with something only barely coherent, Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes manages to be both silly and dull, and was a low point for almost everyone involved (Mark Wahlberg reached new lows when he went on to make The Happening).

Psycho (1998)

More of a film school project than a movie, this one. Using the original script, Gus Van Sant decided he really liked Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece, and wanted to make it again. Shot. By. Shot. It replaces the disconcerting yet charming performance of Anthony Perkins with Vince Vaughn, who has a lot of white powder on and does his best ‘evil killer’ face throughout. It truly is the biggest waste of time in cinema’s history, both for those behind the camera and the unwitting viewers who might mistake it for the original.

The Wicker Man (2006)

“Not the bees!” Nicholas Cage has been in some bad films, but this could just take the biscuit. Taking on a celebrated movie with celebrated performers shouldn’t be done lightly, but Cage battles against the ineptitude of those around him throughout, keeping a straight face even when the film dips into farce. Viewed as a comedy, The Wicker Man is a laugh-riot, but something tells me that’s not what director Neil LaBute was going for.

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Plagued by bad 3D conversion at the height of the debate over the technology, Clash of the Titans was doomed even without the abysmal script, blank performances and a tagline so obvious you’re surprised someone could even think it up (‘titans will crash,’ apparently). It’s one good point is it’s apparent affection for the original which, like Psycho before it, surely makes the case for leaving it alone. It also features Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes; a pairing that makes all things better, even this movie.

Arthur (2011)

It should tell you something that even people who like Russell Brand didn’t like this film. The man who benefits from being a good thing in mediocre films (see Forgetting Sarah Marshall), finds himself centre stage, and flounders about like a eloquent puppy on acid for the privilege. His strange personal relationship with Helen Mirren also manages to bleed into the film, making it a little more creepy than intended as a result. Not many people will claim the original Dudley Moore film a masterpiece, but this remake just highlights the recyclable nature of modern Hollywood.